On How Not to Have a Sexless Winter

Another letter from a lovely lady. Oh, how I love your letters, ladies – please do not stop sending them.

Dear Michael,

It’s winter here in Minnesota. You know that that means? If you’re a single woman, even a sexy single woman like me, it can mean no sex till June. You see, we get all wrapped up in our winter coats and walk around with our heads down because we’re afraid of killing ourselves on the ice and need to watch our step. Needless to say, it’s hard to actually even look at anyone. Even if we do look, none of us exactly look sexy wrapped up in down and wool, all pale and shit. It makes it impossible to meet anyone. Also, when Friday comes, and we do go to the bar or the club and get half-naked, we all get so drunk from the stress and dark of winter that we never make meaningful hook-ups. We take home that doughy dude in the corner because after five Whiskey Sours he’s not looking so bad. So, my question has two parts really, 1) How do I look sexy in the winter and 2) How can I ensure I meet a decent dude this season? I want to hibernate with a hot guy!

Winterly Yours,
Sonya

Dear Sonya,

In regards to part two, my sexy winter lady, have you ever thought of trying online personals? With this medium, you can stay warm inside in some sexy lingerie, browse through the profiles of hundreds of gorgeous men, then invite them out and over from the steamy comfort of your own home. Now, on how to get attention in winter: buy a red coat. We love red. Studies have proven it, and against the bleak backdrop you are sure to pull heads (and junk) up to look at you. Also: cute hat, something which still shows a lot of your hair, but frames your face in that way that makes you look mysterious and charming all at once. Hats are hot as hell, as long as you get the right one for you. I know it seems like none of the men are looking, but trust me, just because it’s cold doesn’t mean we get any less horny. We’re looking alright, but without your summer cleavage on display, you just might have to do a bit more to get our attention.